Dear B.

              Yesterday I went through all the drawers, boxes and closets in my room, I also found my photo-CDs looking for pictures of you, and you were smiling in all of them, we were all smiling, happy, drinking, dancing, being young, being us. I did this because I want to remeber you like you are in all the pictures and not like the last time I saw you.

You took up all of the space of the hospital bed, did you hear us saying that? You  looked peaceful, in a deep sleep but we wanted to shout at you so you´d wake up and get out of that ridiculous small bed. I remember the day that you got your new bed delivered at home, I thought it wasn´t going to fit inside those walls, and it almost didn´t, it filled the whole bedroom but agreed that it was a proper bed for you.

When I first saw you I have to admit I couldn´t stop looking, you were the biggest person I´ve seen and when I came home that day I told my mom, she laughed thinking how small I would look next to you, which I did. And somehow we became friends, I can´t remeber too well how.

The gatherings and parties were always at your place and we all loved them......I didn´t get to see your new flat. Did you take those paintings you made yourself and were so proud of? Did you get to hang them on the walls? Your mom told me she had to go out and buy closets.

I look trough the pictures as I write. I go through many good memories in my head although not everyday was a party. This didn´t start yesterday, I´ve been remebering fragments for 4 weeks, right after we heard about the accident, fragments of 4 years of friendship. We weren´t best friends, we didn´t see each other everyday.

You took me to visit your hometown, that city that I like so much, we went to that museum to see chinese sculptures that weren´t all that and endured 3 hours in line...it was so cold. I saw my first football match in a real stadium with you, and saw your team win too. You made those strange little figures that I need it to get my grade but couldn´t understand, you didn´t have to but did. And when my sister turned 18 and we all went out and out and got drunk, it was the funniest b´day ever. The time you convinced everyone in your apartment no to take a bus but pay a cab just because I had a fit, and all those times you served me wine when everyone was drinking beer, or the night we went to that gas station and ate like pigs at the little convenience store and you walked out "forgetting" to pay. The school trip I made and  had you drive me around the city while the others followed the schedule in a bus. The time you intimidated and pushed away an idiot who was giving me a hard time at the club, the time we were going home after some party and you atarted screaming the moment we passed by a police car, I thought they were going to go after us, the time that you managed to get our teacher´s song inside the club although he was 17, the times that you took a cab with us after some party and we felt safe because you had come along, the time you managed to get your own waitress at that fancy and way too crowded club, and he kept pouring Black label and ice on our glasses. All the times you sang 50 Cents songs, the times you patiently waited while your girlfriend and I tried on everything on sale at ZARA, the times you helped us with our work because we don´t undersatnd computers, the day we spent an afternoon at the mall looking for a present to give to your cousin and we ended up taking funny looking pictures in a very small booth, and we when we went to this italian cantina and I ended up eating your dessert although I had said I didn´t want any, the times you told me I was different from the rest.

I´m sorry I didn´t go to the hospital last week, they had not allowed me to see you the last two times and I really didn´t know what else to say to your mom and your sister. They had been so strong, but after 5 weeks we thought...I really thought you were going to be ok but I was scared to hear something that I wouldn´t like and so friday night, instead of calling your mom, or yous sister, I sent J. an e-mail, asking about you....and because life is so ironic it was him who called yesterday, apologizing for being the one to give me the sad news. He tried being comforting but I just cried so I don´t really know what he said. Then it was my turn to tell F. who did exactly the same thing I had done 3 minutes before.

I´m sorry I didn´t go out last time you called, as I told you I really wanted to but couldn´t, I thought we´d have a thousand more oportunities, I thought that in 5 days we´d meet at F´s B´day and dance the night away. It was strange when 5 days later you didn´t show up...we didn´t know you were already in that ridiculous, way too small  hospital bed, we really had no idea. I really wish I had gone out that last time, I wished you would have never gotten in that car, I wished you would have made it home safely that night. I wish that we could have organized the biggest party for when you came out of the hospital, a Kool-Aid party only.

Thank you for all those things we did together, for the nice things I know you said about me when I wasn´t around, thank you for having called on my B´day, for all the laughs, the trips, the smiles, the hugs, your sweetness.

You´ll live in our hearts.

Besos, La Caraqueña.